i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
birth control should be required to get into college
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Randomize
