I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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