I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
