i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
