You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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