john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
