I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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