Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
