Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
