she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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