maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
