drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
organizing the empties. That sober.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
