You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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