me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
