i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I AM VODKA MAN
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize