is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
