If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
