Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
