sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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