Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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