That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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