oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
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I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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