you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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