dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
