Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
