Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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