I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I want her autograph on my taint
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
you had me at cake vodka
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
