I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
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after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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