I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
