In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Boobs are out for the taking
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
