If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
