we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
