You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
