Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
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