my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
