i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
