WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
