dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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