If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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