Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
