do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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