White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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