We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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