I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
