According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
