As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
