i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
