I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
