he puts the penis in happiness.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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