new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
