So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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