First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
