people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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