tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
