Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I still have a little drunk in my system
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
