I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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