I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
